If you’re a sex addict, you may rightly wonder, “Why would I ever want to tell my partner everything?”

If you’re the partner of a sex addict, you may wonder just the same, “Why would I ever want to hear everything?”

Both questions are certainly understandable. After all, full disclosure is a very serious and difficult process. However, couples who have gone through it often feel it was worth it.

Why?

Because information revealed in fits and starts can be far more upsetting to the partner. It can actually prevent real healing from starting.

What Exactly Does Full Disclosure Encompass?

During disclosure, the sex addict provides a complete overview of their compulsive sexual behavior, without going into details. Explicit descriptions of all aspect of their acting out would only be traumatizing to their partner, potentially causing additional pain.

Disclosure should be done once an addict is ready to start taking responsibility for their actions. It’s not about making amends, apologizing, or giving reasons for their behavior. It’s a moment of accountability from which to move forward to healing.

A good disclosure should include three important components:

  • Honesty – Truth cannot be circumvented in disclosure. Have you revealed all of my sexual behavior?

 

  • Empathy – Acknowledging the pain, chaos, and trauma inflicted is imperative. Only when denial stops can the addiction truly be addressed. Do you truly understand the depth of your partner’s anguish?

 

  • Commitment – Pledging complete assurance to do whatever it takes to make a recovery. Are you committed to your personal rehabilitation?

Normally, a formal disclosure is done in the presence of both parties’ therapists. This ensures safety and support for both the addict and their partner. The goal of this process is to provide the partner with a level of knowledge that assists an informed decision about the relationship.

Why Does Full Disclosure Need to Be a Formal Process?

The simplest and most straightforward answer to that question is timing and preparation. Both are crucial. Neither the sex addict nor their partner would be ready to truly give or receive a full disclosure too early in the recovery process. If they did, both parties are likely to do so without proper support and groundwork.

Reasons why timing and preparation are important for the addict:

  • Sobriety – It takes at least 90 days for your brain to reset, or detox, from sexualized thinking and begin the healing process, adapting healthier thinking patterns.

 

  • Perspective – Only when you achieve sobriety can you develop a different perspective of your addiction and your relationship. You must reach a point where you no longer deny or justify your actions but show genuine empathy for your partner.

 

  • Secrets – It takes time for the full memory of your behavior to come back. Only then can you be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Then you’ll be able to allow what you feel inside to match what you show outside.

Reasons why timing and preparation are important for the partner of the addict:

  • Trauma – The discovery that your partner is a sex addict is shocking. It causes damage—physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. You must receive help to address and begin recovery from this trauma.

 

  • Questions – It takes time, even with the help of a therapist, to process the situation, think about what questions need to be answered, and to consider what behaviors of the addict may be deal breakers for the relationship. In preparation, therefore, you may want to develop a list of specific questions you want to ask your partner.

 

  • Empowerment – The partner of a sex addict must feel empowered by the process of healing. Far too much power has already been taken away from you. That’s why you should receive complete control over certain aspects. Such as the location where the disclosure will take place and how much detail you want to hear.

As a carefully-managed formal process, disclosure can lead you toward recovery and healing. There may be moments of great vulnerability and pain for both sides. But those tough emotions can actually help rebuild trust and restore emotional intimacy. Your new beginning.