We’ve all gotten used to a certain glow on the faces of our significant others.

Not the glow of happiness and contentment.

Not the glow of intimate connection and fulfillment.

No, this glow is blue-ish, maybe green. Emanating from the palms of their hands, and accompanied by the occasional vibration, beep, or buzz.

But who are we kidding… they aren’t the only ones to succumb to it. We’re drawn in too.

We keep on smartphone clicking, posting, and sending. And, too often, we miss the longing on each other’s faces and the increasing discontent in our relationships.

So  what do we do? Do we give up our phones?

Not likely. If we’re honest, many of us feel something akin to panic when we think we may have left the darned thing at home or back at the office.

Choosing to turn off the phone is rarely a choice we force ourselves to make.

But at what cost?

How bad can a cell phone habit really be for your relationship?

Okay, maybe you’re not sold. Maybe you still think Instagram, BuzzFeed, SnapChat and that steady stream of texts and emails is worth a little wear and tear on your relationship.

Well, let’s take a closer look… before it takes a break-up text to get your attention.

Cell phones interfere with relationship basics

Consider first that we all want these basic needs met in our primary relationships:

  • Security and safety
  • Novelty and variety
  • Praise and significance
  • Love and connection
  • Growth and progress
  • Contribution and sense of community

Unfortunately, rather than do the work of hammering these things out in the real world, we’ve increasingly begun to meet those needs online. Phones actually feel like a suitable solution. We think, “It’s okay if I’m alone — as long I have my phone.” We can get most of our needs met if we’re clever enough and have the right apps.

Our brains absorb the steady stream of digital  information, responsiveness, and affirmation as true connections. But studies show that digital dalliances are a poor substitute for the real thing.

We suffer when we ignore the person we love for the safety of Facebook voyeurism. We miss too much when the adventures of Pokemon Go are more appealing than date night. We do real damage when counting Twitter followers overrides connection with the person next to us on the couch.

What excessive cell phone usage really says to the one you love

This may be hard to accept, but smartphones have a way of making us relationally, well, dumb. Real communication becomes stilted and broken for the sake of the screen. Consider what you may be communicating:

Persistent cell use says: “I’d rather surf/text/game than remain present with you.”

Ouch. That’s called good old- fashioned rejection. No one wants to be snubbed 20, 30, or 50 times a day. It hurts. It breeds resentment in a relationship that was supposed to be safe and warm.

When your eyes drift from your partners face to the screen repeatedly, he or she is not safe to share themselves. Your cell phone use is really signaling  to them that you are not all in. If every buzz or beep causes you to disconnect, eventually they stop trying to get close.

Persistent cell use says: “I don’t want to let you get too close.”

Some of us use our screens as barriers or walls to intimacy. Head down, screen-staring absolves us of head up, eye-to-eye contact. That, we call avoidance, pure and simple.

Five years ago, the Pew Research Center found that 13% of surveyed cell phone users used their phone to “prevent unwanted personal interactions.” That figure jumped to 30% among people between the ages of 18 to 30! Are you using your phone to avoid awkwardness or vulnerability?

Phones today can seem an easier, more predictable, more controllable alternative to real world connection. If we aren’t careful, phones can spoil us for each other and ruin the thrill of spontaneous connection.

Persistent cell use says: “I’m too connected to connect with you.”

Call this social over-connection. Or relationship numbness. Basically, a steady diet of social media and phone fun is  “junk food relationships.” It creates a sense of being relationally full. Too full to pursue something or someone healthier and more satisfying for us.

If you spend all day checking in on people via Facebook, perusing entertainment news opinion, or scrolling through YouTube videos, you may find that you’ve reached your relational limit…without really relating to the person whose status and opinions really count.

Digital distraction trains us in self-absorption, impatience, and attention deficiency. Real relationships require  us to be aware and responsive. Otherwise, we can lose a really good thing to depression and chronic stress.

Doesn’t seem worth it does it?

Why not choose to disconnect your cell phone routinely? Signal to your partner that they are your priority. At the end of the day, you’ll do better to let go of that fake blue glow and fan the flames of real intimacy and respect with the one who matters most.