Or do you resist needing your spouse at all?
Do you long to be loved, but live with neglect?
Or do you continually guard your heart from a partner who is exhausted from trying to unlock it?
Your relationship may be suffering from intimacy anorexia.
What is intimacy anorexia?
Intimacy anorexia is a destructive relationship pattern that involves one partner’s practice of actively withholding intimacy. Depravation may occur emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.
This pattern can be devastating to a marriage or partnership.
Communication is hampered. Connection is hindered.
An intimacy anorexic’s refusal to strengthen the relationship is often linked to secret or adulterous sexual behavior outside of the relationship.
The relationship is starved of closeness and emotional safety, as anorexics put less and less energy into their primary union, sexual or otherwise.
This behavior leaves the relationship emaciated, obstructed, and nurture-less.
The affected partner is isolated, confused, and lonely as a result.
What does intimacy anorexia look like?
- Too busy to love: Intimacy anorexics fill their days with work, hobbies, or other activities, leaving little time for their spouses or partners.
- Persistent blaming: Relationship problems are always blamed on the other partner.
- Absent praise and recognition: Private appreciation for their partners is rarely volunteered.
- Constant criticism: Persistent, unfounded criticism may be levied against their partners throughout the relationship.
- Prevalent anger: Direct anger and passive aggression are frequently used control tactics intimacy anorexics use against their partners.
- Financial manipulation: Though somewhat uncommon, when applied, this control tactic can be devastating.
- Withheld sexual intimacy: While sexual activity may still occur, many intimacy anorexics express little emotional connection or intimacy during sex.
- Chronically refused love and affection: The way a spouse or partner hopes and likes to be loved is never offered.
- Inconsistent spiritual participation: Intimacy anorexics may participate faithfully in various religious activities or leadership, yet refuse to engage in prayer, fellowship, or worship with their partner at home.
- Emotional suppression: The relationship is marked by the intimacy anorexic’s unwillingness or inability to engage emotionally with their partner.
What does intimacy anorexia feel like?
For both partners, emotional isolation is pervasive. Disconnect and internal numbness may be all that remains.
The partner of an intimacy anorexic may feel abandoned, “single,” or “like a roommate” more than a lover or friend.
Some researchers find that the emotional strain of intimacy anorexia is often physically damaging. High blood pressure and digestive issues aren’t unusual. Some people employ bad habits like overeating or smoking to fill emotional voids.
Is intimacy anorexia common?
Sexual recovery expert Dr. Douglas Weiss, President of the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy (AASAT), first coined the term intimacy anorexia and pioneered study in the area. His research reveals that, among sexual addicts, 29% of men and 39% of women display the characteristics of intimacy anorexia. He also notes that 39% of partners of sex addicts are intimacy anorexics as well.
Is there hope for a couple affected by intimacy anorexia?
With dedication and the help of an experienced, appropriately trained therapist, you can overcome this relationship pattern.
You and your spouse must commit to each other and the process. A challenge, given an anorexic’s tendency to retreat emotionally from vulnerability, but your relationship is too important to ignore or let die.
Intimacy anorexia will not go away on it’s own.
Your relationship was meant for intimacy, safety, and respect.
Seek the help of a therapist. He or she can provide you means and methods for better communication and intimacy skills that will foster renewed connection with more emotional depth.
